Just another casual end of semester blog post with a cheesy topic
I just finished my one and only final for this semester. (not that I don’t have other finals. It’s just that the other finals are either online or two weeks ago.) I don’t really know how I did on my last final tbh, but I don’t want to spoil anything now. Knock knock.
As promised, let’s start with my ski trip to tahoe. I drove another 5 hours in middle of nowhere (with my roommate sitting next to me, can’t dare to shut her eyes for more than 10mins lol sorry lulu) We listened to all kinds of music and I finally found the song I kept hearing back in middle school but couldn’t find the name : 念念风尘. I asked lulu to play it twice and each time I was sitting on a flying carpet and all those memories of premature days just flashed by… They kept changing and I realized that as I grew older I lost most of the important details: the long shade right under the crisscrossing bricks of shades of green, the chitchats followed by kisses of spring light on rosy cheeks, the smallest library the tiniest seats benches filled with broken books with yellow pages and highlighter marks and library card with long lists of young souls curiosity wandering in the sweetest dream promised by the entrance of a grand hall of fictional souls. I was not a heavy tragic stories reader in middle school. I simply couldn’t get it. I would read Gone with the wind and told my Mom (who recommended the book to me) it was a love story. No it’s not. Now that I’m much older, especially after this semester, I felt like most of the books I read back in middle school was never about the story. It was about the decisions, emotions, tears, laughters, songs, mournings, dances, collisions, banging, growling, hiding, running, it was the word of sounds and consciousness, the forgiveness and acceptance, the soaring and diving, it was knowing that story is life, life is a story, and that the story with a God is always better.
“If you stumble at mere believability, what are you living for?” –Pi in “Life of Pi”
The Christmas Tree we saw at Tahoe
Back to the whole skiing newbie thingy: I was bad.
Like, really bad.
I couldn’t even handle standing up on the snow. Before actually stepping on real snow, or maybe 10 minutes in the wildly white world I was just bald, naive maybe, “I mean snow is still solid and according to one of the many outrageously important and forgettable physics theory of which name I couldn’t remember that I learnt in my freshman year, it should have friction right.” Ha! Friction! Maybe I shouldn’t pnp that introductory physics class. Maybe then I could learn more physics theory to enlighten myself：Surprise! Snow is slippery! Skiing boards and shoes (is that how you call those insanely heavy instruments even? ) won’t help you now! They only drag you down. More mass, more gravity, remember? Wait a minute, gravity… Whatever I am not one of those Leconte Physics nerds who only care about swing dance. (jk sorry Lulu) I am a resourceful and fulfilled human being. I enjoy mentally and physically fulfilling and that’s why I’m here, to learn how to ski. Ok, gear up, let’s do this.
Then it’s the deep regret that I really should have taken more Physics class. Why can’t I stop the ski board? Is it faster than the speed of light now? Am I going to crash into that pile of snow? Okay this is leaving me with no time and choice except to just sit into the snow. And I couldn’t get out, AGAIN!!!
I wonder, how much snow is too much snow. and how much fall is too much fall?
Before I knew it, I was weeping. I’d like to think that it had nothing to do with the snow and skiing etc and etc. But then, I was having a stressful semester and all those things that I promised myself to leave behind at Berkeley suddenly all came back. I’m probably haunted, I thought.
I want to say that this semester is a great semester. probably the best so far. I am in my worst scenario possible. But I am not my worst self if that makes sense. I had more time investigating on my interests and abilities. To spend more time on yourself, they say, it’s never a waste of energy and you always get some sort of “revenue” from it. But I was forced to take time to look at myself. I was forced to look into the mirror, question, scrutinize, attack my past decisions and motives. I believed that all the arguing, shouting, crashing, that happened in my brain was all for a good cause. But then at the same time it hurt me so much to admit that I was on a pilgrimage way too long and my luck had gone cold. It was a different world a long time ago. I just didn’t notice it.
At the end of each semester I always say that I have a wonderful semester. I tried my best. And it’s true. Just that the past two semesters weren’t about trying my best, it was about the other option, the option that I always neglected. I will admit that I am kind of idealistic. Whenever I want something, be it a major or any event, I always try to get it. That’s the case for most human beings. We achieve the direction and meaning of our life through conquering this summit and the next.
I didn’t realize that it was ok to pin up a white flag on one of the summits. I also realized that next time, before setting up a pilgrimage, it will be better if I can just assess the risk and cost. Risk and cost. The most fundamental things in my life are probably not the most exciting. But chasing after a leopard I forgot my goldfish and she was dried to death. That goldfish was floating in a glass bowl and she was so alive, so much energy with her sun dried fire burnt scales, so many laughter she gave me. I didn’t get the leopard. And when I came home she was grey like sand in an empty bowl.
I felt like I should say something grandiose now. First I don’t want to spoil anything, since nothing is set yet. Secondly, when I was taking my stat final today, I suddenly realized how smart my peers are. Maybe I had this realization a long time ago. I didn’t consider myself compatible to them on any scale. I was the outlier. the lucky one. the black goat. But then after this semester I found a weird place in the herd. I can’t figure out exactly where I am from a aerie view. But at the same time, I can really see where my peers will possibly be in the future and I wish I have a seat in that future.